Anna’s story

Some identifying details have been changed to protect Anna’s privacy, including her name.

Content warning: this story discusses domestic abuse, sexual violence and rape.

I grew up in a stable, loving family. Academically, I did more than alright and socially… well, I flourished there too. I was always happy dancing to the beat of my own drum and never needed external validation. They were strong foundations, and I am so grateful for them.

Then I met – and married – my now ex-husband. My ex-abuser. My rapist. What’s frightening is that I didn’t realise he was my abuser until years into the marriage or even years after I had moved him out.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The first incident was tiny. It was a little comment: an itty-bitty comparison between me and someone else only a very short time into the relationship.

Over the course of our “whirlwind romance” – something I was entirely unprepared for having never had Disney princess aspirations – those tiny incidents continued. They became more frequent and grew over many years. And naturally, they were all my fault.

I want to make this clear: he hit me once. He knew that I knew physical violence was wrong – that it was abuse. But I didn’t recognise everything else that was happening to me in the same way. It didn’t stop the rest of his behaviours, or the feeling that made it impossible for me to tell anybody about: the shame!

”Who would believe me anyway?” I thought.

I asked Social Services for support but was told it was a parenting issue and that we needed to sort it out between ourselves. I spoke to the health visitor. I spoke to the doctor. We even went to therapy together. He declared that he didn’t need anger management as he wasn’t angry enough. But he was so, so charming.

I faced a backlash when I ended things. But I had to do it. I spent years believing his behaviour towards me was my fault. But our children? How could they possibly be to blame?

I am fortunate that, once I left, I didn’t go back. Leaving an abusive relationship isn’t always a single event and everybody’s circumstances are different.

Even then, I still didn’t know I had experienced domestic abuse. That understanding came years later.

I was sitting in a little room with a new therapist who somehow got me. I’d made a comment the week before, something along the lines of: “when I left, he told my mum and my ‘permitted’ friends all kinds of lies. I had no-one, but I have a little group of friends now”. She looked at me and made a little note as the conversation progressed. The next week, she produced the Power and Control wheel.

I looked at it, not quite understanding what she was showing me – or why – but the closer I looked the more I understood. She had to print another copy because the first one was soggy with tears. I had been a survivor before I even knew I had been a victim.

The shame of not knowing I had been abused was hard, too. How could things have been so dangerous, and yet I had no idea? The answer, for me, was that it started small and slowly it grew. His control and manipulation wrapping me tightly like a Boa Constrictor, while I shrunk to what felt like (almost) nothing.

For years afterwards, I couldn’t walk down the street without jumping into “safe” shops if a man with certain features walked towards me!

But I had strong foundations. I had access to incredible support. I began questioning the things I had been made to believe. I built walls of self-protection and boundaries. And if it wasn’t my children’s fault then maybe it wasn’t mine either. I felt a desperate need to survive – for them.

Now, years after escaping, I have a wonderful life full of joy. I have excellent friends (of my own), a great job and an exciting future with my family. And he no longer has control over me.

Thank you to Anna for sharing her story. Domestic abuse can take many different forms including physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial, and technological abuse.

If you think you might need support for domestic abuse, you can search for a domestic abuse service on our website or on the Hub of Hope.